Nobody told me…
I look around and see inseparable friendships that started in high school or college, some even before. They take photos and go on trips together. They hang out often and have fun together.
Nobody told me that if I hadn’t found my people by the time I graduated college I’d be the odd one out. Always.
And I’ve tried. I’ve tried and tried and tried again. I’ve traveled across the world in search of likeminded people. To jobs where I thought my coworkers could be something more. I’ve made friends here and there, but nothing as real or substantial as I want.
Growing up I always thought I’d have my group of girls that I could always hang out with, always talk to and confide in. And we’d have a bigger group of friends with guys and it’d be pure joyous chaos.
But here I am. New Years Eve alone because I’ve complicated things by getting too involved, wanting too much, falling too hard. It’s my fault. I knew things would end up like this. But I don’t know where to go from here.
I’m too tomboyish to hang with girls. I’m too attractive to hang with boys. I can’t focus on one hobby long enough to meet people. I work a 9-5. And I live alone in an apartment building where I’ve hardly ever seen another neightbor.
Nobody told me it would be this f***ing hard to make friends. No, actually just find new people to be around.
I love who I am but I hate being alone. I need human contact in my life. So, that’s what I get.
It’s become routine for me to find someone to be with, telling them from the beginning not to fall in love with me, and then proceeding to be everything but official with. This obviously ends with them falling in love with me, which results in a kind, typically amicable conclusion to the relationship. But this time is different.
My longest official relationship was just over two years. This situationship, we’ll call it, has been nearly three years. Never official enough to pronounce to anyone, but not secret enough to hide from our friends. We’ve been the shoulder to cry on during funerals, the first kiss of the new year, the travel buddy on road trips, the confidont for secrets nearly no one else knows. He’s my person.
Never my boyfriend. Never the future father to my children. We knew this. And yet here we are. Shattered at the end of the road we knew we were headed for.
But back to my original point. I’ve found that finding people who like me is easy. Finding people who go out of their way to include, love, and support me; that’s the hard part.
And that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want a group of people to choose me. To choose to love me. To choose to include me. To consciously decide that they want me around.
It doesn’t seem like too much to ask. But maybe it is. Maybe I’ll never find it. Or maybe I’ll find it in a decade or two. But until then I’ll ache for it and search for it in every place I go.
Because I can’t live in a world where I don’t believe that that is something I can have. Everyone deserves that comradery and love. I’m just hoping we all find it.
